To Tell or Not to Tell
To tell or not to tell, that is the question. Over the last few weeks I’ve had a few discussions surrounding the topic of informing people in my life about my diagnosis and whether it is beneficial or not, so I thought I would write about it because I wrestle with this question daily and I have also shared my situation with a few people so far in my life.
Like anything that is considered taboo, bipolar disorder holds a perception within its name that when released on the average ear it is feared, misunderstood and bent completely out of context. For the average person bipolar disorder has no real personal relationship to their lives and the only referral point that these people have to the disorder is social gossip and what the media and movies have indirectly provided them, which in most cases are extreme stories used for selling purposes and not to educate on the actual reality or spectrum of the disorder. They rarely hear about the million-plus people who have been diagnosed with the disorder that function relatively normally in daily life. They rarely hear about the benefits that bipolar disorder can bring to an individual’s creativity, insight and drive. They rarely hear about the successful scientists, philosophers, businesspeople, artists and politicians who lived with bipolar disorder, but contributed enormously to the world. Keeping this in mind, you must evaluate your situation carefully and consider what is in your best interests before revealing your disorder to a largely misinformed world.
When considering telling people that you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder there is no clear answer on whether you should or not. Everyone’s situation in life is very different and what might be beneficial for one person may be the demise for another. It is unfortunate that sharing this type of information needs to be considered so carefully, but for your own sake it truly does need to be considered carefully. Bipolar disorder does have a stigma attached to it and people will see you differently once you tell them. You need to consider the impact that sharing this information may have and decide whether or not that is what you want. Ask yourself how sharing this information will help you and if you can’t find answers to how it might help then maybe it is a better idea not to say anything for now.
In most cases if you are comfortable with your family or close friends, these are the people who are easiest and safest to open up to. Of course they may be shocked by your diagnosis, but that shock usually turns to unconditional caring and love that is very helpful as a support network to help you manage your disorder. I believe that it is important to have at least a few personal people in your life to talk to about your thoughts and mood because they act as a balancing mechanism when you might be a little off balance. A good example is when you get into a pattern of negative thinking while depressed, sharing your thoughts with these people can be very beneficial because they can help put things in proper perspective and release some of the built-up tension from the downward spiral of depression.
Telling people outside of your family and close friends is where things become a little more difficult and must be approached cautiously. The first group of people that comes to mind outside of family and close friends is your employer and co-workers. This is your bread and butter and damaging your working relationship can not only be devastating for you livelihood, but for your mental health as well. These people probably already know that something is a little off with you because of your past behavior, but they probably attribute this to your personality and consider it quirky parts of who you are. Well, they are right. These are quirky parts of who you are, but for some reason there is a difference in perception of these being quirky parts of who you are and these behaviors stemming from bipolar disorder. Even though you are the same person before and after, revealing your diagnosis changes everything. They will now see everything you do stemming from bipolar disorder. Telling your employer must be calculated very carefully and I would not suggest telling them unless you strongly believe that they will understand and support you.
If you can trust your employer then telling them can have its benefits. This can include a better understanding of your situation during difficult times, sick leave, reduction or balancing of workload to reduce stress and better perspective/understanding of possible inappropriate behavior. Many larger organizations and government offices with human resource departments have included policies and support networks for people suffering from mental health problems, which is a huge step in the right direction.
Anyone outside of the above people need to be evaluated on a case by case basis. It can be useful to tell close co-workers (if they can be trusted) because it can help them have a better understanding and perspective of who you are and what you are sometimes going through. You spend a lot of time with these people and it might be helpful to your situation if they can understand your behavior better. I know I sometimes go through bouts of depression and become disengaged at work. Before I informed my close co-workers they were taking my disengagement personally and thought I was upset with them, but now they understand that this has nothing to do with them and will usually pass after a few weeks. Also, you should expect a few possible reactions from people you might tell. I’ve experienced three distinct reactions so far and they include fearfulness, overcompensation and acceptance. Fearfulness is just that - fearfulness, overcompensation is when they treat you like you cannot do anything for yourself anymore and acceptance, my favorite, is when they empathize with what your going through, but continue to treat you relatively the same as before you told them but with a better understanding.
It is unfortunate that revealing bipolar disorder needs to be considered so carefully, but until it is accepted in the mainstream as just another aspect in the spectrum of being human then it will remain hidden in the shadows of daily life. The reality for reaching this mainstream acceptance is kind of a catch 22 though because in order for bipolar disorder to become mainstream and accepted, people suffering from it need to speak out, but by speaking out you potentially face being persecuted for the natural biological functioning of your brain because it does not function exactly like the brains of the majority. I’ve personally told my employer, co-workers, close friends and family, but other than that I will remain an anonymous voice of bipolar disorder until the world realizes that the disorder can be managed successfully and that there are huge benefits to having bipolar minds in this world.
Tags: bipolar disorder, co-workers, coming out, employers, family, friends, telling people
August 17th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Well, I’ve certainly told a lot of people about my bipolar, and sometimes it’s been the right choice, sometimes the wrong choice. I figure I should at least tell everyone I know well enough for them to know what I do for a living that I’ve got bipolar-2 disorder. I say this because I DON’T do anything for a living usually - I just take the government support they offer me because of my condition. Or at least that’s what I’ve been doing the past couple of years. And sometimes when applying for jobs, maybe because my resume looks bad, the interviewer just comes right out and asks me why I’ve been idle for so long. I’ve been raised to be honest, and it totally backfired. I learned of at least one occasion where I knew for SURE that I didn’t get the job because I told them that.
But little did I know that legally I don’t have to tell them any of that at all. I read the article about you in Saturday’s Globe and Mail, and noticed the three categories people fall into when learning you’ve got bipolar disorder: they care, but treat you with too much solicitude; they think you’re some kind of threat; or they treat you the same as anyone, but just care more than the average person.
Well, I would add a few more categories. 1) Those who think they’re psychiatrists and know what’s best for you. Most people have at least a LITTLE of this in them. 2) People who think that since you’ve opened up to them about it, think you want to talk about it all the time, and thus bring the topic up a lot, which is extremely insensitive. This is a MEDICAL CONDITION. Would you keep asking someone with another chronic medical condition, (say, multiple sclerosis), about how they’re doing? No! They’re the one with the condition, so it should be their call whether it gets talked about or not. (the sad thing is, two of my best friends in the whole world are like this. Great people, but this is one thing they don’t get. I want to get on with my life! 3) People who just think you shouldn’t even talk about mental illness at all. I knew someone who told me (in so many words), that telling someone you’ve got a mental illness is like telling someone you’ve had an abortion. C’mon people! This is 2008!
Excellent blog - I’ll refer back to it again.
August 17th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Thanks for sharing your comments Andy!
August 25th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
What a great way to look at Bipolar Disorder and I’m thrilled that you have shared the idea that BD can bring positive aspects to a person’s life and that people with BD can have many creative and wonderful personality traits! I loved how you mentioned all those who deal with BD, however are successful despite.
You don’t only look at the negative which is an amazing trait that many don’t have when it comes to their disorders. You have brought up many great points and have actually inspired juice to an article that I will be posting as someone had written into me asking me if they should expose their disorder or not. It was not Bipolar, but still a disorder with stigmas attached and all. With your permission, I may use a linkback for you to reference your article. I think it’s wonderful!
You give great suggestions for whether or not to tell family, friends, co-workers, etc. and I think it is all very personal and individual as to whether or not you choose to share. Sometimes it can help others to understand you better. Sometimes you’d be surprised that others may share your diagnosis. Sometimes it can be very therapeutic to share. And other times it might backfire due to stigma and the closed minded people behind the creation of the stigmas. So, using good judgment as you share here is very important.
Thank you for sharing such wonderful information.
I have used your blog as an example on GLCzone.com’s home page and I was hoping this was OK with you. Your blog was chosen as one of the best and we will be featuring articles on the home page soon with blog URL linkbacks, and yours (with your permission) will be one! You’ll receive an email about it soon.
Doc KC
August 27th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
This is a very cool article. I like how you have set up a clearing house of sorts. I am bi-polar, but also come from a background with other problems. My mom was psychotic and I’m legally blind. I set my blog up to document recovery as I continued to fight to have a normal life.
I’m sure you know this already, but when discussing this stuff NEVER use the term “Manic Depressive”. People stop at “Manic” and sometimes they drop you and run for the hills.
Sometimes I just explain that my brain chemistry is messed-up. Sadly, there is still prejudice out there. But, thanks to the internet, people are making connections and that is so good.
Have a great day!
August 30th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
I really like the way you write. I have added your blog to my RSS feeds and my blog roll.
Thanks.
September 26th, 2008 at 1:25 am
Hi,
I think your blog is terrific, and I would like to feature you on Wellsphere (http://www.wellsphere.com). Would you drop me an email?
Good health!
Geoff
–
Geoffrey W. Rutledge, MD, PhD
http://medblog.wellsphere.com
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:03 am
Just out of curiosity, what do you eat everyday?
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:26 am
I used to eat a lot of junk food and processed frozen foods. I felt awful and had to take at least one nap a day just to get through a day. I recently had slight Blood Pressure elivation and my Dr. told me that the salt in the processed stuff was the problem.
Since my meds work fine, I didn’t want to risk messing them up with more meds. I now eat real food: meat, veges, fruit and a few health suppliments. A multi-vitamin and other things that are high in protein and B vitamins. This stuff doesn’t cure bi-polar (no matter what is claimed), but I usually don’t need a nap during the day now.
My blood pressure is back to normal. Make suppliment additions slowly, don’t do the “mega-dose” some health people recommend, it can get you all out of balance.
Hope this helps.
November 16th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Hi, there! I am new to this web site. I love Andy’s comments — about how the few more categories. I wonder where Andy would think my problem falls. I am a 41-year-old woman, disabled for BPD for four years now. My father, with whom I live, and my sister — they do not understand that this is a disease, something outside of my control. What do I do? The resentment I’ve been feeling built up to the point that I OD’d Wednesday Nov 12th. I’m compulsive like that, and I was SO frustrated. I called my pharmacist who called the police who came to my house and took me to the hospital. My father acted like he was COMPLETELY disgusted with me. He’s 79 years old. He just doesn’t get it. I wanna get a t-shirt that reads “CRAZY, NOT LAZY”. Any advice? Please help!
April 17th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
I don’t think I would share this diagnosis with anyone outside of family and friends. If you have problems functioning at work just say your not fealing well and go see a doctor. Everyone has problems to a certain extent. You can still live a normal life providing you get on the right medications. This may very from person to person. A little exercise could make a big difference also.
February 7th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
To tell or not to tell… I rarely go anywhere but had attempted to participate in friends and family reunions, parties and what not, basically trying to be more social. I realized there was a lot of condescending looks, you know the body language, shoulders back, eyebrows up, literally looking down at you kinda look? Then some people cutting conversations really short, so they can move on really fast…
My cousin was there that night and I was trying to build up the guts to tell her… Took me about 2 hours, and I drank a lot of wine… then finally told her! The body language above came on, and she said: I already know, aunt so and so told me. Just like that. No ”Do you need to talk about it” no ”How are you doing?” nada.
Apparently most of them already knew from speaking to each other. I was very hurt because the private conversations I’d had with this aunt were exactly that - private. She was in fact, sharing my BPD diagnosis with others. It took me a long time to get over that, a lot of crying, mad times, just so hurt, so betrayed.
Then it occured to me to ask someone else that is close enough to know, if they had shared the info. Well, they had. And so on, and so on….
I had to think outside of the box that is BPD, and realize that it is ”normal” which is not to say respectful. I’m proud to say that I am a respectful person, and if you share something private with me, IT WILL NOT BE REVEALED!
I just told everyone I knew that I am BP, through a social network, only yesterday. Funny part is, they probably all know… I say let them get weeded out naturally! You can’t please everyone that’s for damn sure! For those with tunnel vision I can only hope they will get better one day.