Pervasive Emptiness
At times it is difficult to find words to describe these sensations, to understand what the mind is picking up on and interpreting in this way. Deconstruction of my mental space during these periods is difficult to analyze because even the referral points of identity that are normally used as a foundation to ground one’s self, lose their footing.
Everything, including the sense of self, feels void of distinct realness. The world feels empty of genuine lasting substance and all the people in it take on an essence as if they were actors in an enormously complex and well-crafted play or movie, where the sense of self becomes an audience member watching from the outside. The contents of conversations, the clothing styles and trends, the concerns and dislikes, the entertainment and novelties, the motives and passions, etc., etc., all feel ridiculously surreal and somehow detached or at a distance from where my sense of awareness is during these periods.
The words I pick up on in passing conversations become intensified and exaggerated to the point of a strange unfamiliarity. My reflections in passing windows and mirrors appear foreign and disassociated from what I know is the source of these reflections - my body. Motivation and incentive dissolve into apathy as the world around me becomes emptied of its realism and all that is left is this strange sort of hollow awareness observing the bizarre reality of every fleeting moment.
Questions of an existential nature fill my mind as my awareness continues to perpetually fuel the inquiry into the disassociation and unreal feelings of my surroundings. Do I exist? What does it mean to exist? Where do I exist? Is this all a fabrication of mind? Am I my mind? What is mind? Who am I? Most of the time the questioning is not even linguistically formulated, but is simply a process of thoughtless analytical observation where my awareness silently questions my experience through experiencing the experience itself, by becoming vividly aware of the contents of my consciousness and watching them play out in an endless cycle of disassociation that is felt throughout my body and mind.
There are times when these periods are welcome, because of the intense focus they bring to my awareness to reflect on areas of my life that I believe would be impossible to penetrate otherwise, but in most cases these periods bring a deep isolation to my existence where I have an extremely difficult time relating to the people, events and places in my life. I would never want to give these periods up completely because I feel they are truly important and contain partial truths about what it means to be human, but if I could find a way shut it off at will then maybe I could find a way to regain these moments, and connect with a world that currently becomes filled with pervasive emptiness.
Tags: bipolar disorder, disconnection, emptiness, isolation
August 16th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I know exactly what this feels like.
But I never could figure out how to put it into words.
Thank you
December 15th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I think about this too. The periods of isolation and detachment are almost welcome in that they bring a sense of reflection into one’s life, but almost always come at the cost of loneliness.
I wish there were a way to remain attached to reality instead of feeling like a skeptic. I don’t want to spend my life questioning motives and conversation as if some understanding of “why we exist” will come from such questioning. Yet, at the same time, I keep hoping that is exactly what I will uncover.
Its impossible to explain to people why I go from being in awe of reality and its beauty to being completely apathetic about it. I think you did a good job of putting into words what this feeling does to a person’s thoughts.